TITLE: Over the Rainbow
Author: Adrea
Summary: 1982 An early morning turning point in Amanda's pre-spy life.
Feedback: yes please- not entirely sure
this is a finished work- so feel free on or off list.
NOTES: Thanks to Vikki who was required to
beta since she `pushed' me into
entering the alphabet challenge…. Thanks for not abandoning
me
once I'd committed myself. Thanks also to
Wednesday who I'm sure
also beta'd this even though I haven't read
it yet - I'm sure I'm
going to have to release a new draft after
her changes.
Disclaimer: I do not own any SMK characters
or references. This is a non-profit endeavor. I also don't own any rights to the
'Meet Joe Black' version of 'Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World'
(GREAT song if you haven't heard it- will make this story much better if you
know the song- not just because of the words but the feel)
OVER THE RAINBOW.
'Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
There's a land that I heard of,
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.'
Amanda King sat at the kitchen table in the
early morning chill. She was nursing a
steaming cup of coffee, warming her hands along the
sides. She stared through the windows
where, outside, the earth was still
dark. Mist swirled through the light streaming from the
kitchen. It was utterly quiet except for
the hum of the refrigerator and her
rhythmic breathing.
Amanda looked at the stack of papers in
front of her. She held the creased
pages down with her hand and fiddled with the pen lying on
the table. She squinted at the pages,
skimming the last few paragraphs
again. She wanted to be sure she did this right. This was
difficult enough to do once; she didn't
want to make a mistake and
have to do it again.
"Okay, I sign, and we're divorced." The
word tasted foreign in her mouth. She
tried repeating it. "Divorced." She shook her
head
slightly, "Shouldn't I FEEL something?"
Amanda asked herself. Her
hushed voice sounded odd intruding into the
silence.
It seemed surreal that, after the years of
anguish she had poured into her
decision, it all came down to this: signing papers in her
robe at
5am.
She had been so sure divorce was not the
right thing for the boys: they needed
a father. But the realization she couldn't make Joe into
the father they needed had spurred her down
the stairs. That was two hours ago…
Amanda had only recently been able to start
unraveling the thoughts and emotions
she had pushed aside when Joe first mentioned splitting
up. Anger, guilt, relief: she had been
willing to suppress them all to keep
her family together. But her family wasn't together. And it
wasn't the loss of Joe that made her feel
incomplete, she realized with some
awkwardness. She had lost him years ago. She felt
incomplete because of the loss of a dream -
the dream that she had found the man
she would share the rest of her life with.
A part of her bristled at the thought. It
HADN'T always been a dream. They had
been happy once. When had the happiness slipped
away?
"When he left, and you didn't tell him how
much it hurt." Amanda
answered her own question. When he didn't
understand why the boys needed him
HERE, why she wanted him HERE.
She had tried to ignore the ever-present
signs that she had lost his heart -
and that he had lost hers. But she had convinced herself that as long as they
were married, nothing had really changed. They loved
each other; they loved the boys - and that
was enough, wasn't it?
"Apparently not," Amanda answered herself
out loud again.
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind
me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
"I would have let this go on forever: just
so I wouldn't have to call Mother and
tell her, just so the ladies in the PTA wouldn't look
at me with THAT look… just so the boys
wouldn't have to tell their friends…"
she told the pages accusingly as she smoothed them for
the twentieth time.
Amanda looked out the window. The dark had
turned to gray, and the mist seemed to
have thickened. She saw her reflection in the glass.
Amanda shook her head at the somberness of
her expression.
"Married or not married, I'm still Amanda,"
She said, pursing her lips, "I'm still
ME." She was the type of person whose
cheerfulness gave her early laugh lines around her eyes and mouth. Her smile had
been called contagious- she loved to laugh…
With a start, Amanda realized she couldn't
remember the last time she
had laughed out loud.
Amanda studied her reflection in the glass
of the kitchen window again. This time
her eyes sparkled back at her then narrowed with
determination. She picked up the pen.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly,
Beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh, why can't I?
"I've put this off long enough." Amanda
told herself firmly. She
signed along each dotted line, folded the
pages back along their heavy creases
and stuffed them into the envelope. Amanda exhaled the
breath she hadn't realized she'd been
holding.
With the release of the air, she felt years
of tension seep out ofher muscles. She felt empty. Empty and a little light
headed.
Amanda heard the alarm go off upstairs and
heard a small thud she knew was Jamie.
A long time passed before she finally heard the
large thump she knew must be Phillip
jumping down from the bunk bed. The
distinct difference between her sons in even this tiny way made
her grin with pleasure.
I see trees of green, red roses too.
I see them bloom for me and you.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white.
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred
night.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the
sky,
Are also on the faces of people goin' by.
I see friends shakin' hands, saying "How do
you do!"
They're really sayin' "I love you."
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow.
They'll learn much more than I'll ever
know.
And I think to myself,
What a wonderful world.
Her boys! No one could take them away from
her. They were tough kids. The three
of them would get through this together. They would
lean on each other like they had for the
past 5 years. There was no need to
mope around over not being someone's wife when she was a
mom.
"Even more than that," Amanda whispered.
She was a woman, restricted
by no one.
Her family wasn't going to fall apart; she
was going to make it stronger than
ever. Amanda was going to make sure the boys knew they weren't losing either
parent. Joe would be the same father to
them
that he always had been. And she would
always love him because he was a part
of the boys.
And that was enough for now.
Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind
me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why then - oh, why can't I?
Amanda noticed the sun crawling along the
kitchen table toward her and lifted
her head to meet its warmth. Outside, a rainbow arched
into the sky, disappearing in the clouds
above. Amanda smiled. The future was
going to turn out okay after all.
For a moment she had the feeling like she
was soaring with the rainbow, far away
from the gloom she'd been suffocating in just a
few
hours earlier. She was free to start over
now! She would follow a whole new
dream and build a new future.
Amanda soaked in the sunshine for a second
longer before she clapped her hands
once and pushed her chair away from the table. "But
first,
I'm going to make breakfast." Amanda stood
up and tightened her
robe. "Start my future off with a brand new
sunny day and some eggs
and maybe a muffin," she muttered.
She started humming as she reached into the
refrigerator for the milk.